8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
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