so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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