he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
