Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
