the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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