I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
