Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
