I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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