That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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