I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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