True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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