dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
