Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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