i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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