i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
