wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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