she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
