I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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