Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
be right there i have to get my cape
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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