you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
