I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I need water and some morals
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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