You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
