My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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