Cold hands, warm shart.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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