It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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