Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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