Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
