my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
