Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
