Pappa wants mamma naked
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
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