my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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