i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
