The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
