Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
