it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
