can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
