I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
bring money and cleavage
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
