He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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