please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
