I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
