I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize