new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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