He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
