Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
