my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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