she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
