Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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