If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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