Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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