I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
