Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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