apparently the secret to your success is patron
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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