I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
