Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
