Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
