i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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