and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
