i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
