5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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